Nothing to Declare

The scene: a reasonably well-to-do restaurant in downtown Boston. Outside, a number of ironwork tables, largely unoccupied. In one corner, separated from the street corner by an iron railing, sit our thirty-somethings - Karin, Carole, Shane, Jane and Jon, who are looking largely content despite the hour it took to find a seafood restaurant and the final indignity of being unable to discover the way in. A robust, humorous waiter has already taken the orders, which include two bowls of Gazpacho soup - because it was there, largely, and if you have to ask why you-d better not know. Cut to:

Jon-s voice - narrating

I’d never had Gazpacho soup before, or at least I don’t think I had. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Waiter arrives with two bowls, sets them before Jon and Jane. Zoom past Jane to Jon, conversing with others as he picks up his spoon and stirs it around the bowl, inquisitively, before scooping his first mouthful.

When it arrived it looked absolutely delicious. I plunged my spoon into the bowl, heaped with liquidized tomatoes, peppers and onions, and lobbed an oversized spoonful into my mouth.

Jon nods his approval and starts to chew. Close in on a variety of facial expressions, which blot out background to fill screen. Follow actions as they are described:

It was delicious - so I thought. But as the food turned over in my mouth, I was faced with the experience of something going very wrong. I bit on something hard, crunching it between my teeth before I could stop myself. Oh no, I winced. I’ve broken a filling.

Jon reaches into his mouth and removes something as camera backs away and shows expressions of others, still conversing, oblivious. Lip sync narration with Jon’s profile, while keeping focused on faces as expressions turn from interest to horror.

Look, I said, depositing two small, tomato-ey fragments of green glass onto my palm and holding it out for all to see.

Carole

Oh my God!

Karin

What *is* that?

Jon’s voice, narrating in sync:

It’s glass, I said, to the horror of everyone sitting at the table. I decided it would be a good time to go find the manager.

Looking a bit uneasy now, Jon pushes away his chair and stands up, almost thoughtfully walking back to the main restaurant. As he arrives at the door, the waiter emerges. No sound is needed to explain the interaction between Jon and the waiter - the crumpling into incredulity and fear on the waiter’s face as he turns and goes back inside, leaving Jon to return to the table. Fade to black.

When the manager arrived, she was highly apologetic, but just the tiniest bit skeptical - after all, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to have the idea about lobbing some glass into the soup in the hope of a free meal. Slowly it dawned that this was no set-up, and the skepticism turned to fear - this was the land of the free litigation after all - and then relief as I said that nobody would be suing anybody. Unless I found my stomach lining had been irreparably damaged. We had quite a good old chat in the end, and were promised various things, including a free lunch for me (hurrah! I was having the lobster!) and free desserts for everyone. Things started getting silly then - the manager said she would name the Gazpacho soup after me - “Jon’s Gazpacho” and we all agreed it would be a good thing that the restaurant obtained and played a copy of the CD that started all this, as a penance, for a week. The rest of the meal passed relatively smoothly, even with me ripping a hole in my thumb as I attempted to crack one of the lobster claws, and the desserts were delightful.

Unfortunately, I have suffered no ill effects since, so there doesn’t really appear to be a case for litigation! Next time, I’ll have them!

Ubiquitous network, global reach, any time, anywhere connectivity, we all know the lingo and have probably used it from time to time. The reality is somewhat different. Sadly different. Devastatingly different, if you have wandered around a major city looking for a cybercafe or a wireless hotspot, as I did in Boston last week, or if you have baulked at the outrageous pricing that someplaces charge for access.

The fact is, when the marketeers and CTO’s mapped out the new landscape, they forgot to take into consideration the fact that there are humas involved. Humans are slow on the uptake and resistant to change, meaning that it takes a long time for any great change to take place. “Evolution, not revolution” is not the mantra of progress, but a recogition that people don’t say jump when you want them to. And Geoffrey Moore’s chasm (or Gartner’s trough) in their respective adoption curves is in fact a generour way of saying that most people just don’t want what they’re being offered. With wireless, we have the chicken and egg that people aren’t the purchasers of hotspots, rather their users, but they don’t want to pay for them; menawhile the operators, stung by 3G, are not going to make the mistake of spending too much beefore the demand is assured. Frankly, they can’t afford to.

The end result, is rather than having a finely knitted mesh of connectivity, we have a threadbare carpet, a rag rug of many different protocols which shows its ill-fitting seams far too clearly.

Nobody is thinking about teh customer perspective. Let’s stop for a second and think what these requirements are.

1. The customer should not have to give a monkey’s grunt what the protocols are. The way the protocols work together should be entirely transparent to the user. As an interface between applications and networks, the TCP/IP protocol set is a no-brainer. Everything below that should be someone else’s problem, and should be auto-selected based on a user’s service needs.
All this fighting over protocols has resulted in turf wars, which does the service consumer no good whatsoever.

2. A number of services are so obvious they barely need listing, but I will anyway:

- application access. In other words, a Web-based front end onto anything, be it a travel bookings service or music station

- media access. Video, audio, with the necessary clarity to make it usable.

- interpersonal access. Email, chat and discussion boards, coupled with voice communications, in a nutshell.

These three access types, and combinations of each, give people everything they might need

3. Customers want to pay the minimum, if anything at all, for their access. This is fair enough, given the low prices of some access types and the fact that access is a means, and not an end in itself. People should pay for applications,and we don’t need new and improved micropayments mechanisms for this. Telcos already have billing structures that can pay a percentage to each other, there are also time-based subscription mechanisms and credit cards. Don’t give me micropayments, I don’t need them, not for this anyway. Where billing happens, it should be transparent, for example as an on-screen counter: if somebody (say, starbucks) wants to pay for me instead, I’d be happy to see the unobtrusive advert on my screen that told me so. Don’t get me wrong - this isn’t a “water is a basic right” argument. It’s more like I wouldn’t expect to pay for the pavement,or for the shopping centre, or for the cinema walls before I can sit in the seat.

There is nothing at all wrong with the concept of a basic service being given away for free, but a better or more complex service being available at extra cost. The basic serviecs I would suggest are voice and data messaging, and Web access. More expensive would be higher-bandwidth apps such as image/video and gaming, these and other applications could be paid for. It is simple to work out how - application providers need to pay to have their applications hosted on the Internet. That’s it, that’s all, just as the consumer shouldn’t pay a thing to walk into a shop. It is then up to the application provider to edcide how to cover those costs, for example by charging for the service or by considering it as a loss leader or a worthy plan. Charities, for example, pay for mail shots, they can also pay for people to see their web sites, even if somebody else chooses to bear this cost.

I believe that a basic service should be given away. The reasons for this may be entirely self serving, but also they are based on developing a ubiquitous service on a global basis. If not given away, they should exist on a subscription basis. One way or another, it should be absolutely clear what is being paid for, when and why. WIthout some kind of basic, low cost service, it becomes difficult to extend the model as broadly as required. For example, a service shoudl function not only town to town but also country to country. Given the fact that the internet knows no national boundaries (ask a packet), it is laughable to suggest that packet-based access shoudl cost any different whichever country one is in. This is undoubtedly true for western countries.. There should not even be a variance from hotel to hotel.

Tesco’s should install free wireless hotspots in its shops. This would be achievable at relatively low cost, be a great PR coup, and set Tesco’s as a thought leader in teh market place. It would be a bit like Tesco’s insurance, books or pharmacy shaking up the market.

3. Customers expect a level of service guaranteed. The service should be secure and available, within limits. It should not be necessary to trawl around a major city looking for somewhere to plug in - this is a laughable situation that should be resolved as quickly as possible. Consolidation is an inevitable element of the solution, which should be available on autility basis - like water, in fact. I think the biggest weakness at the moment is service transparency. For example, bandwidth availability should be as visible on any device as the signal strength meter on a mobile phone.

The right connectivity, the right apps and services, using the right costing model. That’s it! The fabric/carpet analogy is a good one. In a fabric, every thread is as strong as the others, otherwise the strength of the whole fabric is at risk. Who’d pay for a threadbare old piece of material, unless there was some antique value in it? Which, hopefully, is what will happen to the network.

I arrived in Providence on the train, unconscious of the fact that it was in this city that saw the tragic and untimely demise of Great White following that foolish application of pyrotechnics. Arriving early, I met with Jason who told me everything was sorted for the show. Opeth were playing first, he said, so expect a late night. S’okay, I said, my train was to be at 12.45. He looked dubiously at me - gulp.

I wait for the doors to open, flitting from street to Starbucks and back. Eventually I meet up again with Jason and Ian, and we go for a Chinese - a welcome respite in the hanging around. Maybe I’m getting old, or maybe its the act of being alone in a strange city. Whatever.

Lupo’s is a dive, looking like the sort of place you might see in a film set, like Bladerunner without the rain. This was nothing if not authentic, right down to the lack of doors in the gents. The stage is in the centre pf an oblong, with space at either side. Beside it are two pool tables, the players oblivious to the fact that a band is playing at all. The crowd outside is a regular mix of post-punk, goth, beachbums and rock and rollers, each no doubt planning on finding their own personalities reflected in the music.

Doors open. Audience file in, unconscious of the fact that their meek behaviour is at total odds with their rebellious attire. Positions are taken and the stage is set.

Opeth walk on and the applause is rapturous, even more so as they break into their first song. It’s a slow number, a strange one to start with, but it is unlikely that it will stay slow for long. Indeed, the pace picks up. More rapturous applause. It’s going to be a goodnight for the Opeth fans. Unfortunately it doesn’t do anything for me. I should say I’m hopeless at listening to bands that I don’t know the music of, but it sounds a bit pedestrian and indulgent, like a cake with all the right ingredients but which has been left in the oven too long. Maybe I’m getting too old. It doesn’t help that I can’t hear the guitars properly - they are there, but added, it would appear as an afterthought. Given the fact that the singer is also on guitar, I find that unlikely. There is a lack of energy, which is more likely, the sound is trying to be deeply moving but it has more of a soporific effect.

The next song starts out acoustic, but gradually the other instruments join. This is more like it - a rhythmic number that harks to the orient, Aziz Ibrahim would be comfortable playing on this one. It might be called the darkness. It builds up, to a crescendo which I listen to from behind the one door in the John. It was a good song, and I am maybe now better able to appreciate the music. Was it me, or does the floor sway in Lupo’s? I wish I could blame it on the alcohol, but I am stone sober.

Opeth’s set continues as it should. A good band, consummate musicians giving the audience what the want. I don’t think anyone would accuse them of being showmen though, with each song pausing for a changeover of instruments and a brief introduction, it is difficult to build a flow.

Arrived in Boston the day before yesterday and went straight to the Ramada, which is out near the University. In fact, it’s privately owned by very nice people, and it had a regular shuttle to the subway (the “T”) and so on, but anyway. Woke up yesterday and finished some stuff for Uncle Seattle, which took me until lunchtime, when I headed in to Boston with the vague goal of finding a wireless Internet hotspot. I then had a bit more work to do, which took place in the shade on the end of a quay at Boston Harbour. Reminds me of the time I told someone I’d sat on the beach at Nice and worked. “Of all the things to do on the beach,” the friend said, “you had to work?” I replied, “Of all the places to work…”

I took in Chinatown, the harbour, the shops and the sights - by the way, only go to Cheers bar, if you want to go to a bar anyway. Nothing to see but a bar. On the recommendation of a wireless access service provider (I happened to be walking past the office), eventually I ended up in the News bar, a very plush establishment which boasted wireless Internet access. It happened to be happy hour as well, I didn’t take advantage of the free martinis but I did have four starters for 99 cents each. Unfortunately the Internet access wasn’t working. I tried everything, and was quite willing to believe that it was my fault, but as I could ping stuff that wasn’t my computer I thought not. When I finished my food I headed back round to the office of the chap who installed the thing. The long and the short was I ended up down in the kitchens of the News bar, trying to diagnose issues with power over ethernet, linksys boxes and broadband connections. What fun, but we didn’t solve the problem.

This morning I got up a bit earlier and headed for the harbour to do the whale watching thing. I thought I’d missed the boat, but no, here I am on deck typing this up. It’s an overcast day, so it’s unlikely I’ll get the kinds of pictures you see on posters, indeed we’ll probably be lucky to see anything at all but at least its 4 hours of not very much, just what I need. Just had a great idea for an article - “the roadmap conspiracy,” which makes out that computer companies have everything all mapped out and are drip feeding new technologies to the users. As if, and the Internet bubble didn’t burst either!

2 hours later.

Just seen a whale! Well, several whales - one of which was the best the guy with the mike had seen this year, so he said - it was a humpback sleeping in the water, when we moved alongside it arced its back and flipped its tail out of the water as it dived. Very impressive. Now we’re heading back, then I head to the station to catch a train to Providence. Or maybe I should hire a car. I’ve got an hour to make my mind up!

I don’t know what it is, but at IT exhibition I get a one track mind, and it ain’t the technical track. I’ve learned to control my urges by getting them out of the way first, then I can get on with the useful stuff. I am of course, talking about the give-aways, or “gizzitts” (as in, “go on, gizzitt, go on”)…b Last night, on the opening night of the conference I exceeded myself, I really did, in my blatant disregard for what people were saying at their stands and in my direct approach to what really mattered. “What’s in the box,” I said, “Can I have one?” I also tried “I don’t work on Sundays,” which seemed to hit the spot.

So, here, goes. In a style reminiscent of the children’s travel game, I went to the expo and I blagged:

Five mini-penknives
One squidgy penguin
Three climbing clips (marked “not for climbing”, two with a compass on the strap)
Various sweets and candies
One pink fluorescent Frisbee ring
One water pistol – loaded (I overheard someone say, “we need to find someone we know to fire this at.” I wasn’t so discriminating!)
One cap – blue
Two monoculars (does that make a binocular?)
One fridge magnet clip
One inflatable neck cushion
A paperclip tray
A pocket radio – with built in torch (flashlight) and compass
One squidgy chair (fits the penguin)
Three notebooks
Five gold rings
One cable clip
A plastic egg containing silly putty
Two digital dice – bang it down and it displays a number with its six LED’s
One calculator/ruler
A number of pens
A handy clip with extending string for conference badges or ski passes
One bar of chocolate that looks like a gold AmEx card
One metal torch
One metric conversion card
Two auto-rewind modem cables
One drinking bottle
A map of Las Vegas
One multipurpose survival card (with built in tools and – you guessed it – compass)
Ten chocolate $100 gaming chips
Two t-shirts

I think that’s about it (I was joking about the gold rings). The winner of the prize for the most worthwhile gizzitt has to be the survival card. Now I must remember to pack it in my suitcase for the way home, otherwise it won’t make it past the checks!

On to more serious stuff: I’m absolutely knackered. I was up for twenty three and a half hours yesterday and only slept for six. Mustn’t grumble – where would I rather be It’s now 6.15 in the morning, I’ve finished a slushy chick-lit novel (very good – “Thirty Nothing” by Lisa Jewell) and I’m off to find breakfast.

Today I shall be mostly sitting on an aeroplane.

It was a bit of a hair raising start to the day. Knowing I had to get up at 5.40, I inevitably woke at five, then quarter past, then… half past six! Disaster in the intervening minutes we had had a power cut and the mains alarm clock had reset itself to midnight. Fear and loathing, and the trip to Las Vegas hadn’t even started! Rapidly I stirred myself, washed my appendages and got on my way.

Ironically, from that point on everything has been a breeze. The clear motorways and the just-subsonic speeds I achieved meant that I got to Gatwick in an obscenely fast time, wondering all the while whether I would meet anyone official on the way. I didn’t, and as I had a hire car, the arrival was slowed only by having to top the car up with petrol before I returned it. Phew.

So, now I’m sitting on a plane on the way to sunny Vegas. Extremely sunny apparently, that kind of shirt-sticks-to-you-as-soon-as-you-put-your-head-outside sunny. The occasion is CA-World, an event that Computer Associates are very kindly flying me out to. I’ve just done a bit of work for CA, a video (my first - I was told in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t a natural), and as I spoke for free at CA-World last year, I think they took pity on me! It should be stimulating. Really!

After that, I shall return home via Boston, to meet up with some friends, go whale watching and take in a couple of gigs. And why not.

So, back on the plane. So far, I’ve finished reading a book that I can’t tell you about, got to 5,000 words with my first novel (can I say, just writing the word “novel” feels really pretentious? It’ll be interesting to see how that pans out!) It’s now called The Knowledge, a great title until I find out its been used already. The good news is, I’ve worked out the plot from start to finish, so hopefully now its just a question of filling in the blanks. And making it readable. Hmm. Not out of the woods yet then.

I’ve also written some more of the next music book, but my heart wasn’t in it and the words weren’t flowing, so I’ve shelved it for today. Oh and I’ve watched a film - Phone Booth. Cleverly done, with the usual “get out of that” formula transposed onto a corner of a street. I enjoyed it, and was relieved to see a modicum of Hollywood creativity. I would say “for a change,” but I don’t see that many films these days!

Three hours, 47 minutes to go, as we fly over Canada. Ho, hum.

Am I never going to be free of Uncle Seattle? However hard I try, I can’t seem to shake him off. A bit like his software, in fact! I confess, I do think Microsoft have some pretty good software. They won the suite wars because their stuff was best, after all - I just wish they didn’t want to take over the world, that’s all. Anyway, this was supposed to be my last week, but they’ve asked me if I have any more time. I have said “very little”, but it doesn’t seem to have shaken them off. We’ll see what happens.

Meanwhile, I’ve started to develop a new Web site for Faros. It’ll be up and running in the next few weeks, I think. This Art Gallery thing has really spurred me on. One thing I’m sure of is not so much, “build it and they will come”, more “don’t get out there until there’s something to show.” It amounts to the same thing, however I can’t decide if its just an excuse to avoid fixing meetings with potential clients…

Got some news back from the people who the book will be about, let’s call them the Musketeers. It was neither good nor bad news, but at least it was communication which is always a good thing. We agreed I would write something and get it to them by August, and they could see what they thought. Scary.

And finally, got a CD in the post this morning, it was the latest Marillion best-of album from EMI. Darren sent it, as a little thank you for getting him in the market for doing cover art (he did the Separated Out book cover, fyi, and very fine it was too). It’s a funny old world, glad to be of service and all that.